Post by gtrmacs on Feb 20, 2023 16:48:01 GMT
To prepare , go to the local Veterinary Surgeon. Tip the
contents of your purse/wallet onto his counter and tell him to help himself.
Then go to the pet shop. Arrange to have your wages paid directly to their
accountant. Go home and read the paper in peace for the last time.
Before you finally get your German Shepherd find a couple who already have one and
berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly
low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their dog to run riot.
Suggest ways in which they might improve their dog's sleeping habits, toilet
training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it - it'll be the last
time in your life that you will have all the answers.
To discover how the night feels, go to bed at 10pm. Set the alarm for
midnight, wake up and throw yourself violently onto the floor. Attempt to move a 6 stone
bag of potatoes on the duvet and try to get back under the covers. Reset
the alarm for 5.30am and, just as you are waking, slap yourself in the face
with a large wet sponge. Get up, make breakfast, keep this up for 14 years,
try to look cheerful.
Can you stand the mess that dogs can make? To find out first throw 2 gallons
of mud onto a newly mopped kitchen floor, smear the excess up the sides of
the cooker and kitchen units. Tread a little into the hall and living room
carpets. Stick your fingers in the flower-beds and rub them on the clean
walls , really enjoy the nose art on all reachable windows Now, how does that look?
Walk down the road with one arm fully extended, break into a jog extending
the arm even further. Say "heel" nicely, several times. Shout "heel" several
more. Scream "stop pulling damn you". Ignore looks from passers by.
Forget the BMW and buy a Ford Sierra. Buy a packet of dog
biscuits and a large bone. Mash them down the back of the rear seats then wonder what that awful stench is . Go to
the hairdresser's and obtain a week's floor sweepings. Distribute liberally
on the seats and carpets. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There, perfect!
Get ready to go out, try to sneak out of the door without making a sound. Go
halfway down the garden path, come back. Five minutes later try again. Come
back. Put on the stereo and make soothing noises. Try again. Come back. Ring
friends and tell them to come round and see you instead.
Practice sitting on not more than 1/8th of the sofa and try out different
methods of balancing a hot cup of tea on your knees. When, if ever, you perfect
this, try eating a packet of crisps/biscuits silently whilst keeping the
packet totally out of sight. Give up and sprinkle crumbly residue down back
of sofa.
Tie 2 dinner forks together and put a dog lead on a door hook. Rehearse
picking up the dog lead silently. When it rattles scratch yourself very hard
down the shins with the forks. Repeat procedure several times. Go to the
sports shop and obtain a pair of goalkeepers shinpads.
Always repeat everything you say at least 5 times. Always repeat
everything....
(with thanks to Vicky Heath - I'm sure she's a long-time member but can't remember her username
)
contents of your purse/wallet onto his counter and tell him to help himself.
Then go to the pet shop. Arrange to have your wages paid directly to their
accountant. Go home and read the paper in peace for the last time.
Before you finally get your German Shepherd find a couple who already have one and
berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly
low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their dog to run riot.
Suggest ways in which they might improve their dog's sleeping habits, toilet
training, table manners and overall behaviour. Enjoy it - it'll be the last
time in your life that you will have all the answers.
To discover how the night feels, go to bed at 10pm. Set the alarm for
midnight, wake up and throw yourself violently onto the floor. Attempt to move a 6 stone
bag of potatoes on the duvet and try to get back under the covers. Reset
the alarm for 5.30am and, just as you are waking, slap yourself in the face
with a large wet sponge. Get up, make breakfast, keep this up for 14 years,
try to look cheerful.
Can you stand the mess that dogs can make? To find out first throw 2 gallons
of mud onto a newly mopped kitchen floor, smear the excess up the sides of
the cooker and kitchen units. Tread a little into the hall and living room
carpets. Stick your fingers in the flower-beds and rub them on the clean
walls , really enjoy the nose art on all reachable windows Now, how does that look?
Walk down the road with one arm fully extended, break into a jog extending
the arm even further. Say "heel" nicely, several times. Shout "heel" several
more. Scream "stop pulling damn you". Ignore looks from passers by.
Forget the BMW and buy a Ford Sierra. Buy a packet of dog
biscuits and a large bone. Mash them down the back of the rear seats then wonder what that awful stench is . Go to
the hairdresser's and obtain a week's floor sweepings. Distribute liberally
on the seats and carpets. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
There, perfect!
Get ready to go out, try to sneak out of the door without making a sound. Go
halfway down the garden path, come back. Five minutes later try again. Come
back. Put on the stereo and make soothing noises. Try again. Come back. Ring
friends and tell them to come round and see you instead.
Practice sitting on not more than 1/8th of the sofa and try out different
methods of balancing a hot cup of tea on your knees. When, if ever, you perfect
this, try eating a packet of crisps/biscuits silently whilst keeping the
packet totally out of sight. Give up and sprinkle crumbly residue down back
of sofa.
Tie 2 dinner forks together and put a dog lead on a door hook. Rehearse
picking up the dog lead silently. When it rattles scratch yourself very hard
down the shins with the forks. Repeat procedure several times. Go to the
sports shop and obtain a pair of goalkeepers shinpads.
Always repeat everything you say at least 5 times. Always repeat
everything....
(with thanks to Vicky Heath - I'm sure she's a long-time member but can't remember her username
)
